Roquana
by
Robin
Gordon
Auksford
2013
©
Copyright Robin Gordon, 2013
Auksford
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Book
V: The verdict and its
aftermath
***
Chapter 15: The Deputy Commonwealth Inquisitor
Roquana Smuff
(Unknown)
The
three judges filed in, the Lord High Admiral looking grim, the Papal
Nuncio smiling beatifically, and the Deputy Commonwealth Inquisitor
with his eyes no longer half-closed but gleaming with as if with
interior luminosity.
“Monsignor DaClue,”
said the Admiral.
The Deputy Commonwealth Inquisitor took
over.
“Since, thanks to the
brilliant presentation
of a very convincing case by Monsignor Gulls, the objective of this
tribunal of enquiry appears to have shifted from an investigation into
alleged shortcomings in the governance of Sunday to become an
examination into the abuse of inquisitorial powers by Dr Tadler, a
matter which constitutionally can only be considered by a court under
the presidency of the Commonwealth Inquisitor or myself, the Lord High
Admiral has graciously consented to allow me to undertake the final
scrutiny of the evidence placed before us, so that the eventual verdict
shall be both watertight and constitutionally correct.
The Deputy
Commonwealth Inquisitor
(Philippe Duclos, actor)
“I shall therefore begin with
the facts
admitted by both sides. Dr Tadler, you admit that, following
a
standard inquisition of your subject, Roquana Smuff, you remained
linked to her when she gained employment at Savark Court. You
justified this in your own mind by persuading yourself that you wished
to see how Roquana conducted herself when she came into contact with
people of higher rank, whether she retained that sweetness of nature
and honesty for which you have praised her, or whether she might
possibly have fallen from those high standards of behaviour when
confronted with the conspicuous consumption of the ruling
classes.”
“Yes, Your Eminence.”
“However,” he
continued, “you
admit that your motives were at best mixed, for you wished also to see
how the upper classes lived and behaved in private. You had
never
carried out an investigation into any member of the Establishment, for,
as we have heard from Monsignor Gulls, you have not advanced in your
career to the level of Senior Inquisitor. In short, you have
remained a Doctor and failed to progress to the level of
Monsignor. You are not an Eminence?”
“That is true, Your
Eminence.”
“You also admit – do
you not? –
that you communicated with your subject, Roquana Smuff, that you urged
her to strike Lord Savark in the groin with her knee, that you advised
her to stay in the stream to evade Lord Savark’s dogs, and
that
you continued to give her advice throughout her travels and also here
in New Jackrusselham.”
“Yes, Your Eminence.”
“You even allege that you
transferred your
link from the mind of Roquana Smuff to that of Tommuz Crumptin, and
while there, took control of his mind and compelled him to say to the
Guild of Eunuchs that he did not want to be castrated.”
“I did not take control of his
mind,” I
said. “I urged him to resist. It was the
name of his
beloved Roquana that decided him, otherwise the drug they had given him
would have made him desire pain above everything else. It is
not
possible for an Inquisitor to control his subject’s
mind.
Not even you …”
“We will leave me out of this
if you please,
Dr Tadler,” said Monsignor DaClue. “It is
you that we
are investigating, and, in fact, the accusation that you controlled the
mind of Tommuz Crumptin in the crypt beneath the Pantheon cannot be
sustained, because Monsignor Gulls told us that the incident never
happened. Tommuz Crumptin, according to his account, was
never
captured by hoypyu and never handed over to the Guild of Eunuchs, and
was therefore never in danger of losing his manhood.
“That particular incident or
non-incident is
therefore irrelevant to the case brought against you by Monsignor
Gulls, but it does demonstrate that you claim to be able to influence
the minds of the subjects to whom you are linked, and may therefore
have some bearing on the accusations that are levelled against you,
namely that you continued
to
control Roquana Smuff and Thomas Crumptin and to manipulate them as
puppets even after apparently severing direct contact, and that you had
similarly manipulated Moiku Stoon, showing that your ambitious plans to
seize control of the planet date from the very early days of your
appointment here – a heavy indictment indeed, which I shall
now
analyse in detail.”
Throughout this speech the Procurator
was squirming
with pleasure, smirking and making tiny noises of approval.
Monsignor Gulls
(Unknown)
“Let us take first of
all,” said
Monsignor DaClue, “the allegation, the truth of which you
have
already admitted, that you used Roquana Smuff to spy upon members of
the ruling establishment, whose lives were, as Monsignor Gulls has
pointed out, beyond your remit as you have not attained a sufficient
level of seniority to be trusted with such access.
“I should like to ask
Monsignor Wullsin, as
Grand Inquisitor of Sunday, whether it is normal practice here to
restrict responsibility for inquisitions into members of the upper
classes to particular, more senior Inquisitors.”
The Big Cheese stood up.
“It is not and
never has been,” he said. “In fact it is
specifically
forbidden by the rules of the Inquisition. Any citizen, with
the
sole exception of the monarch, may be assigned randomly to any
Inquisitor.”
“So Dr Tadler would normally
have performed as
many inquisitions into the lives of establishment figures as you have
yourself?”
“In principle, yes,”
said the Big Cheese.
Monsignor
Wullsin,
Grand Inquisitor of Sunday
(James Bolam
“Might I ask,” said
Monsignor DaClue,
“how many such inquisitions you remember carrying
out?”
The Grand Inquisitor
hesitated. “I
… erm … I don’t actually remember any
in recent
years,” he said.
“In effect,” said
the Deputy
Commonwealth Inquisitor, “you and Dr Tadler have carried out
pretty much the same number of such inquisitions – that is to
say: none. Do you know how often you yourself have been the
subject of an Inquisition.”
“That is not possible for me
to know,”
replied Monsignor Wullsin, “but on average people here are
examined every two to two and a half years.”
“You have been Grand
Inquisitor for thirteen
years,” said Monsignor DaClue, “and the last
inquisition
into your life was approximately fourteen years ago. Do you
have
any explanation?”
“No,” said the Big
Cheese.
“The Archbishop of New
Jackrusselham has been
in post for eleven years, and he last underwent an inquisition about
twelve and a half years ago.”
The Grand Inquisitor looked devastated.
“I shall not go into any
further
details,” said the Deputy Commonwealth Inquisitor.
“A
summary of the position will suffice, and it is this: no member of the
Senate, no Government minister, no member of the Holy Synod, no member
of the Monopolies Control Commission has ever undergone
inquisition. Most have been examined before their
appointments to
these high positions, but thereafter they appear to have been
exempt. Lord Savark has never
been examined, nor has Monsignor Gulls. I must ask you,
Monsignor
Wullsin, whether this is as a result of policy determined by
you?”
“I had no idea
…” faltered the
Big Cheese.
“What you are about to say, I
would expect, is
that the allocation of subjects for inquisition is carried out through
an automatic randomisation process within the Inquisition
computer.”
“Yes, of course.”
“… and the computer
was set up by
…?”
“Sunday Informatics
…”
“… which is owned
by …?”
“Savark
Communications,” said the Big
Cheese.
The Deputy Commonwealth Inquisitor
smiled.
“Monsignor Gulls,”
he murmured,
“perhaps you would like to comment?”
“Mnnnnngh!”
honked Gulls, “I … I must assure Your Eminence that
I myself had no idea that the
computer was or even could be set up
in this way. I … nnngh!
… I really do have to
admire the ingenuity of
Sulamun Tadler, who has obviously obtained access to
the minds of
our computer engineers and
manipulated them into
redesigning the randomisation
program in order to
prevent
other Inquisitors from
pre-empting his plan to
seize
control of
our world …
not that I suppose any other of
our noble band of
Inquisitors
would harbour such ambitions … shee-hee-hee-hee!”
“Fascinating,” said
the Deputy
Commonwealth Inquisitor. “You really must be
something of
an evil genius, Dr Tadler, if you were able to achieve such effects
– especially as you were probably still a student at the
Inquisitorial College on Yowkoy One at the time.
“Your theory does not hold
water, Monsignor
Gulls. An analysis of the Sunday Inquisitorial computer,
carried
out on my orders yesterday by the team from CCHQ, reveals that the
computer was set up this way as soon as it was installed, thirty-five
years ago, and each upgrade of equipment and software, carried out by
engineers from Sunday Informatics, has perpetuated this
anomaly.
Responsibility cannot therefore lie with Dr Tadler but rests securely
with Sunday Informatics, a division of Savark Communications, a
monopoly entirely owned by Lord Savark.”
Gulls looked extremely sick.
The Papal Nuncio
seemed puzzled, and the Lord High Admiral appeared to be suppressing a
grin. The Deputy Commonwealth Inquisitor’s eyes
gleamed as
he leaned forward.
“Now we come to Dr
Tadler’s ability to
control the minds of his subjects, and, what is even more impressive,
his ability to retain
that
control even after severing his direct link with them, the examples
being Roquana Smuff, Tommuz Crumptin and Moiku Stoon, also known as
Vayhal the Translator.
“Monsignor Gulls, you allege
that Inquisitor
Tadler has exercised this degree of control over his subjects, do you
not? Yet you have also told us that Dr Tadler is a
low-ranking
Inquisitor whose abilities have never brought him promotion to the
level of Eminence or even Monsignor.
“Monsignor Wullsin, could I
ask you how you
rate Dr Tadler as an Inquisitor.”
“He is very competent and
trustworthy,”
said the Big Cheese, “though I fear that he and his close
colleague Dr Drow are sometimes inclined to take an overly humorous
view of life.”
“You mean,” said the
Deputy Commonwealth
Inquisitor, “that they are inclined to refer to you as the Big Cheese,
to which you take
slight exception, forgetting that when you and I were young
Inquisitors, we, like everyone else, called our superiors by similar
names. What I am asking you, however, is whether Sulamun
Tadler
is so outstanding a practitioner of the inquisitorial arts that he
could take control of his subject’s minds.”
“There is no Inquisitor alive,
nor has there
ever been, who could do that,” said the Big Cheese.
“The standard textbooks all say that it is
impossible.”
“What is your opinion,
Monsignor Gulls?”
said the Deputy Commonwealth Inquisitor.
“The standard textbooks are
obviously out of
date and
were probably written by
men of
lesser talents than
Sulamun Tadler,” said
the Procurator in his silkiest tones. “After all,
we all
know the old adage that
those, who can, do,
and those, who cannot, teach
– shee-hee-hee-hee
…
shee-hee-hee. Nnngh,
we certainly can’t rely on
out-of-date books written by
comparative nonentities.”
“Of course we
can’t,” said the
Deputy Commonwealth Inquisitor. “Out-of-date
research by
incompetent bureaucrats and pedagogues would be entirely
inappropriate. Could you perhaps remind us, Monsignor
Wullsin,
who these nonentities were.”
“The standard treatment of the
subject is
DaClue and Wullsin,” said the Big Cheese, “based
on research carried out by DaClue and Portrudge.”
“And who exactly are they?”
“Wullsin is Grand Inquisitor
of Sunday, that
is me,
DaClue is you,
Deputy Commonwealth
Inquisitor, while Portrudge, now retired, was Commonwealth
Inquisitor.”
Gulls was by now fuming and squirming
with
embarrassment. The Papal Nuncio was leaning back in his chair
looking once again relaxed and benevolent, while the Admiral looked as
satisfied as it is possible for an admiral to look.
“We are agreed then that mind
control is not
possible during an inquisition. How much less possible must
it be
after
the inquisition is
ended, yet it is alleged that Inquisitor Tadler maintained control of
Moiku Stoon’s mind for seventeen
years. CCHQ have searched the records and found that Moiku
Stoon
was examined by the Inquisition approximately eighteen years
ago.
This, presumably, Monsignor Gulls, is when Dr Tadler gained control of
his mind.”
Moiku Stoon, aka
Vayhal
(George Clooney)
“Nnng-yes.”
“Except that not only is mind
control
impossible, but Dr Stoon was not
examined by Dr Tadler but by Monsignor Wullsin, the same Monsignor
Wullsin who subsequently became Grand Inquisitor.”
“Then Monsignor Wullsin must
have been working
for
Tadler. He must be
part of
the Tadler
conspiracy, that is why he has
given you all this false evidence. That is why he has told
you that
mind control is impossible
…”
“You are a liar,
Gulls!”
“Eunnnngh!
Grave and serious
insult! I … I …”
“Your whole case is built on a
tissue of lies,
a web of deceit, an edifice of hypocrisy.”
“No,
no Your Eminence, I
am the
one who has
been
deceived. If what you say is
true, and of
course since you
are so eminent
an Eminence it
must be, then I
have been
deceived by
the people who
control this planet – by
the Holy Synod, by
the
President. I’m sure we can come to some
arrangement, hee-hee-hee
…”
“The Lord High Admiral will
inform you of the
arrangements when we have come to the end of this enquiry,”
said
Monsignor DaClue, “and I suspect they will not be to your
liking.
“The President told Dr Tadler
and his
companions that you
are in
effect the Government of Sunday. It is you
who tell the President, the
Senate and the Holy Synod what they are to decide, what they are to
say, what they are to think. It was you
who acted as go-between,
telling each of these institutions that the others were very anxious
that your policies should be agreed. It was, in short, you
who have manipulated the
constitution to ensure that your
will and that of your master always prevails.
“Further, at my request CCHQ
has subjected the
early records of the settlement and development of this planet to a
thorough scrutiny, which reveals that the Sunday Development
Corporation was aware from the start of the existence of an intelligent
race of people, not in the slightest concerned about that
race’s
origins or history, but determined to keep its existence secret from
the Commonwealth, and, eventually, to exterminate it. It is
clear
from our researches that Moiku Stoon had discovered this, and it is
also clear that he did not make any alterations at all to the database,
but, instead, sought to bring this knowledge to the attention of the
Senate only to be pursued by Government Guards and forced to flee into
the wild lands.
“Your Royal Highness, I have
now completed my
investigation into the alleged misdeeds of Inquisitor Sulamun
Tadler,and I find him not guilty of any of the charges brought against
him. I find instead that there has been grave misgovernment
orchestrated by Lord Savark, Monsignor Gulls and the members of the
Monopolies Control Commission, further investigation of which I now
hand back to you.”
“Thank you Monsignor Da
Clue,” said the
Lord High Admiral. “Have you anything to add,
Monsignor
Blinkunsouppe?”
The Papal Nuncio indicated that he was
satisfied
with his colleague’s conclusions and smiled benignly.
The Papal Nuncio
(Bernard Longley, cleric)
“I believe,” said
the Admiral,
“that Lord Savark, who failed to attend this tribunal, is
currently aboard his space yacht, orbiting Monday, behind the dark side
of which he doubtless intends to dematerialise into hyperspace and make
his escape. He will, of course, find that his warp-drive has
been
disabled, so there will be no problem about picking him up.
“I shall sign arrest warrants
for Savark,
Gulls, Fittlutt and others. Their trials will be quite short
as
the evidence has already been presented here. The Government
will
be reconstituted according to Commonwealth principles, and I hope that
Lady Ontoonia Furtescyow-Broyne will agree to take up the post of
Governor General.”
“Oh, gosh!” the lady
murmured.
It was only after the tribunal had been
brought to
an end and the justices filed out, that we realised that Gulls was
nowhere to be seen. He had, it seemed, wriggled away like the
sneaking, secretive snake that he was, and, we later found, persuaded
an officer to hand over to him one of the latest small fighter-ships
– a Spitfire no less – by saying he had been sent
by the
Admiral to bring Lord Savark before the tribunal.
With a craft like that at his disposal
he could be anywhere in the
universe.
Please
remember that this
story is copyright.
See Copyright
and Concessions
for permitted uses.
***
Roquana:
Index.
Chapter
14: The Tribunal
Chapter
16: The balance restored
***
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