Halden II The Banner 4 The Battle Act I

ACT I, SCENE 1

   The goods yard. The area near the engine sheds is crowded with youths from all over Swarrell. King, Ronno, Ken, Stan, Sid, La’al Willie, Steve, Pete, Andy and other members of King’s gang and the Black Dragons push through the crowd. Willie is holding Jim Gormley’s trousers.

Willie: There’s gonna be a battle! Raaay!

Dragons: Raaay!

Willie: We’re gonna annihilate ’em! We’re gonna smash their heads in, we’re gonna kick ’em in the balls, we’re gonna give’ em Chinese torture, we’re gonna pull their finger nails out, take their pants off and chuck ’em in the nettles! Raaay! Buckets o’ blood, buckets o’ blood. We’ll exterminate ’em! [Chants]: We’re going to take their trousers off!

Dragons: We’re going to take their trousers off!
                We’re going to take their trousers off!
                We’re going to take their trousers off!
                Raaaay!

   This entry attracts general attention. King and Ronno climb onto a pile of rubble.

King: SWA-A-A-RELL!

All: Raaay! Swa-rell! Swa-rell! Swa-rell!

Willie: Halden wankers!

All: Raaay! Halden wankers! Halden wankers!

King: Invasion! We’ll destroy Halden!

All: Raaay! Invasion! Invasion! Raaay!

Terry: Where’s the prisoners?

King: We’ll exterminate ’em!

Willie: Exterminate! Ex-ter-min-ate!

Dragons: Ex-ter-min-ate! Ex-ter-min-ate!

Terry: Bring out the prisoners!

Others: Yeah, what about the Count? We want the Count!

King: We’ll put all Halden to the Count – and when we get that bitch back we’ll have the biggest gang-bang there’s ever been.

   Cheers from King’s gang, the Dragons and others.

Terry: Where are the prisoners?

Others: Yeah, where are they. Let’s see ’em!

King: They’ve gone.

Terry and his supporters: What? Where?

King: Back to Halden. We’re gonna invade. Get ’em back – and her!

Ronno: We’ll destroy Halden! They’ll never dare come here again!

King: They’re not expecting us. We’ll invade now!

Ronno: We’ll take them by surprise!

Willie: We’ll have the pants off them! Raaay! Buckets o’ blood! Buckets o’ blood!
        We’re going to take their trousers off!
          We’re going to take their trousers off!

Dragons: We’re going to take their trousers off!
                We’re going to take their trousers off!

Mad Dog Leader: What’s ’e on about?

Mad Dogs: Yeah.

Mad Dog Leader: Is this a battle, or innit?

King: It’s a battle! We’ll sweep down on ’em before they know we’re coming …

Willie: … and take their knickers off! Raaay!

Mad Dog Leader: Sounds to me more like a fucking public school dormitory raid.

Mad Dogs: Yeah!

Mad Dog Leader: We’re fighters, we are! We’re the Mad Dogs! We’re savage! We terrorise the streets! We’re killers, we are! We’re not playing kids’ games!

Mad Dogs: No!

King: What d’ya mean kids’ games? This is war!

M[ad] D[og] L[eader]: Oh yeah? Ripping each other’s pants off like little twelve-year-olds? Like them poovy students at Oxford? [Puts on posh voice]: “Oh I say, you chaps, let’s debag him, what?”

Willie: Yeah! Debag! Debag! Debag! Debag!

Dragons: Debag! Debag! Debag!

King: SHU-RRUP!

   Ronno cuffs Willie.

Willie [muttering at Ronno]: We’ll have your kegs off an’all.

MDL: See what I mean? We’re gan.

King: Wait!

Willie: Scared of losing his own pants.

   Ronno squashes Willie.

King: There’ll be no debagging! This is war! We’re gonna smash Halden. They’ve stolen our Banner. We’ve gotta get it back – and Effie. We’re gonna smash Halden. We’re gonna be top town. We’ll be invincible – worse than Manchester United.

MDL [indicating the Dragons]: Yeah? What about them?

King: They’ll do what I say. It’s all Willie’s fault that they got away with the Banner. Stupid little berk! If he’d been paying attention we’d have got them – but what was he doing? - [He takes hold of Willie who is still in Ronno’s grip]. He was stripping Jim Gormley. Gimme them! - [He snatches Jim’s trousers from Willie and holds them up]. That’s a Swarrell lad he’s dekegged.

Mad Dogs and others: Eh?

King: Yeah! A Swarrell lad! - [He shakes Willie]. - Listen, you! If there’s any more of it we’ll have your pants off! - [He thrusts Willie away]. - This is war! No time for kid’s stuff: WAR!

All: Raaaay!

ACT I, SCENE 2

   The goods yard. In the background the Swarrell gang is preparing to invade Halden. Willie, Steve, Pete and Andy mooch away accompanied by most of the Black Dragons. Some Dragons have stayed with the Swarrell army.

Willie: You know what it is, don’t you? They’re scared of losing their trousers. If we went for the Halden lads’ pants we’d annihilate ’em. They’d never dare face us again. But that lot are scared.

Dragons: Yeah.

Willie: Get the Dragons together. We’re not playing their game.

Pete: What we gonna do?

Willie: We’ll wait. We’ll have our chance. You’ll see.

   Steve, Andy and other Dragons go off. Thelma comes down from the viaduct and wanders over to Willie.

Thelma: ’Lo, Willie. What’s going on?

Pete: Gonna be a battle – ’gainst Halden.

Thelma: Oooh! You gonna get some good trophies, Willie?

   Willie doesn’t answer.

Pete: We’re not in it.

Willie: King and them! Scared o’ losing their knickers! We could’a had the pants off every lad in Halden – but they’re scared o’ looking daft.

Thelma: What d’ya mean?

Pete: ’S gonna be an ordinary battle.

Thelma: No pants off?

Willie: Naw.

Thelma: Aw. Me cousin Norah’ll be disappointed. I was telling her about you. She got really excited.

Willie [thoughtfully]: Course, if the Halden lads started dekegging …

Thelma: Me cousin lives in Halden.

Willie: Hey! You lassies like to see lads getting their pants taken off, don’t you?

Thelma: Ooh, Willie! Don’t be so crude!

Willie: You do, don’t you?

Thelma: Well … it’s only natural …

Willie: You could mebbe fix it. Hey, go and see your cousin and tell her. You’ll have plenty of time. They’re still yakking about strategy.

   Thelma nods and leaves quickly.

Willie: Strategy! All you need do is sweep down and tek ’em by surprise. I could have had the pants off half of Halden by now.

ACT I, SCENE 3

    The goods yard. The gangs are still milling round.

King: Right then. It’s agreed. Let’s go!

MDL: Just once more. You lot go over the stream and round the back of the factory. We go over the bridge, and the Dock Street gang go round by the other road and come in from behind. Right?

King: Right.

MDL: It’ll take hours.

King: Eh?

MDL: It’ll tek hours before they get round that way.

King: They should be half way there.

MDL: They haven’t gone yet.

King: Well, even if they’re a bit late, there’s enough of us …

MDL: They should come with us.

King: Orright.

MDL: Good.

King: Let’s go.

MDL: One thing more.

King: What?

MDL: It’s a battle, right?

King: Right.

MDL: Fists and boots and chains and knives and bottles, right?

King: Yeah, right.

MDL: Prisoners get stripped of their colours?

King: Yeah.

MDL: Scarves and leather jackets and things?

King: Yeah.

MDL: But not trousers. We’re not playing la’al kids games.

King: I’ve told you. Look, the Dragons aren’t even coming. We’re better off without silly kids like them.

MDL: Right. Let’s go!

   Enter Ken and Stan.

Ken: They’re coming!

Stan: Halden! Over the beck!

Ken: They’re invading us!

King: Orright! Let’s go and get ’em!

Terry: We’ve wasted too much time. I wish we’d never got involved.

King: What’s up with him?

Terry: We should have made a quick raid and got away. This is different.

King: Thump him, somebody

   Sid, who has been hovering anxiously, now springs forward.

Sid: Shurrup!

   He grabs Terry.

Sid [to King]: I’ll look after him.

King: Yeah, make sure he’s in the thick of it.

Sid: I’ll keep him right beside me.

King: Let’s go!

   They all pour towards the beck.

Sid [to Terry]: Pity I’ve got to look after you. I won’t be able to do any fighting.

   But Sid and Terry are swept along with the others and separated.

ACT I, SCENE 4

    The Swarrell gangs surge towards the Alebeck.

Ken: Hey, look at all them lassies on the bridge.

Ronno: Come to see the battle.

Stan: Just as well it’s not a keggin’ battle.

Ronno & Ken: Yeah.

ACT I, SCENE 5

   The Alebeck marshes. The Halden youths. Among them are Tommo, Scouse, Nelly, Claggy, Wank and Hutch, and also Ada Biggs.

Ada: Yeah, we’re all up there cheering you on.

Tommo: Great! Wild Bulls are top gang! Halden rules!

All: Raaay! Halden rules!

Ada: Yeah, we’re right behind you. You’re really going to flatten that Swarrell lot, aren’t you?

All: Yeah! Yeah!

Ada: Bring back lots o’ trophies!

Tommo: Yeah! We’ll have their scarves an’ things, won’t we lads?

All: Yeah!

Nelly: We’ll have their colours!

Scouse: They’re coming!

Ada: I’ll get back to Norah.   [She leaves]

ACT I, SCENE 6

   The Halden army is drawn up on open ground between the Aleback and the goods yard, near some sidings. The Swarrell youths pour out from behind the engine sheds. They stand facing each other. The girls are looking down from the road bridge.
   There is an ominous silence.
   Tommo steps forward and flourishes the Banner. The Halden youths cheer.

Swarrell: Halden wankers! Halden wankers!

Halden: We got the BAN-ner! We got the BAN-ner!

Swarrell [singing]: Nails Palmer was the leader of the yellow Halden gang,
                Nails Palmer was the leader of the yellow Halden gang,
                Nails Palmer was the leader of the yellow Halden gang,
                but we took his trousers off!

   The half-hearted Swarrell singing is drowned by the triumphant chanting of Halden.

Halden: We got the BAN-ner! We got the BAN-ner!

   Tommo waves the Banner exultantly.

Swarrell: Halden wankers! Halden wankers!

Halden: We got the BAN-ner!
                WE GOT THE BAN-NER!

   Hotrod, leader of the Furies, in denim jacket with the legend “Furies” on the back, jeans and a bright orange crash-helmet with his name on it, begins posturing up and down. Other, similarly clad Furies join him.

Hotrod: Swarrell wankers! They’re all useless! I could take on six of ’em with one arm tied behind me back – and blindfold. They’re all useless wankers!

Furies: Raaaay! Fu-ries! Fu-ries! Fu-ries!

Swarrell: Halden wankers! Halden wankers!

Halden: We got the BAN-ner!
                WE GOT THE BAN-NER!

Hotrod: I’ll fight anybody! Anybody that’s willing! Who’ll take me on?

   While Hotrod is prancing and challenging the chanting falls silent. Hotrod fails to notice.

Hotrod: You heard me! Load o’ wankers! I’ll fight any of you!

   Ronno steps forward.

Ronno: I’ll fight him.

   Hotrod looks at Ronno in horror, then dives back into the Halden throng. Swarrell laugh and cheer derisively. Tommo and the Wild Bulls grab Hotrod and haul him back.

Hotrod: Gerroff!

Tommo: You challenged him. Now get out there and fight!

   Tommo and the Wild Bulls hurl Hotrod towards Ronno, who grabs for him. Hotrod twists away and flees back to the Halden lines. The lads close up and refuse to let him in. He scampers along the line, looking for an entry, but is pushed out again to meet Ronno.

Tommo: Fight him, ya yellow punk!

Hotrod [evading Ronno’s clutches]: Gerroff! Help!

   Hotrod flees again. The Wild Bulls grab him and turn him round.

Tommo: Trouble with you, Hotrod, is you’ve got no balls. Get out and fight – or we’ll have your trousers off!

   Hotrod is again propelled out towards Ronno. He dances round Ronno, avoiding the bigger lad’s lunges. Ronno succeeds in grabbing him, and they fall on the ground in a sprawling dogfight, while the two sides cheer. Hotrod succeeds in landing one of his wild blows. While Ronno’s concentration is momentarily weakened, he pulls away and heads for the Halden lines.
   He is pushed back. Ronno lumbers towards him. Hotrod skips away, then takes off like a rocket for a flight of stairs leading up to the road. Ronno hurtles after him. Just before Hotrod gets to the steps Ronno grabs his crash-helmet, which is dangling on his back. Hotrod’s flight is checked.
   Half-strangled, he grabs at the fastening and pulls it loose. Then he escapes up the steps leaving the helmet in Ronno’s hands.

ACT I, SCENE 7

   The viaduct that crosses the railway. Hotrod comes running up the steps from below. The girls swarm around him with mock sympathy, derisively patting him and tousling his hair.

Girls: Oooh! Look at the great hero!
Did the nasty boys frighten him then?
Were they going to hurt him?
Diddums, diddums.
Aw.

ACT I, SCENE 8

   The battlefield. Ronno shrugs and returns to the Swarrell lines. Everyone, both Swarrell and Halden, is laughing.

Jake: Ronno won his colours!

Swarrell: Yeah! Yeah! Ronno won his colours! Hand ’em over!

Halden: Whassat? What’re they saying?

Ken: We want his colours!

Swarrell: We want his colours!
                We want his colours!

Tommo: Yeah! Ronno won ’em fair and square.

Nelly: Yeah! Hand ’em over, Hotrod!

Tommo: Where is he?

Scouse: Up there – with the girls.

Tommo: Get him!

   Nelly, Claggy, Wank, Hutch and some others head for the steps. The Furies obstruct them.

Fury: You’re not giving away our colours!

Tommo: Ronno won ’em fair and square!

King: Tommo! Hey, Tommo!

Tommo: You can have his colours!

Furies: No! No!
No you can’t!

Tommo: We’ll take a vote on it!

ACT I, SCENE 9

   On the bridge. The girls are still mocking Hotrod.

Norah [looking down at the boys]: This is no good. They’re just standing round talking. Hey, you lot! Fling him down the steps! Let them strip him, then we can get on to the real fun.

   Ada, Rita and Wilma hasten to obey. Hotrod evades them.

Hotrod: No-o-o! They can have me colours!

   He strips off his Furies-jacket, hurls it over the parape, then flees along the road to Haldent. There is a cheer from below.

Norah: Rita, go down and stir ’em up before they forget they’re supposed to be fighting.

ACT I, SCENE 10

   The battlefield. Tommo picks up Hotrod’s jacket. He displays it to the Halden gang then to the Swarrell gang, then he walks over to Ronno and hands it to him.

Tommo: You won Hotrod’s colours fair and square.

Wild Bulls: Raaaay!

   Both sides take up the cheering, except the Furies, who drift sullenly away towards the steps. Rita is coming down.

Rita: It’s a disgrace – giving away a Halden lad’s colours like that! Why don’t you do something?

Fury: Like what?

Rita: I dunno, do I? I’m only a girl. I can’t fight. Why don’t you throw summat at that Ronno?

Furies: Yeah!

Rita: Yeah! Throw a brick at him! Get things started. Then you can look out for him in the battle. I’d take more than his colours, I would!

Fury: Right!

   He picks up a broken brick.

Rita: Not from here! Don’t let them see you!

Fury: Eh?

Rita: Go round behind!

Fury: Oh.

   The Furies move off and merge into the Halden lines and Rita goes back up the steps. Ronno has been displaying Hotrod’s jacket to the two sides while Tommo walks back to the Halden lines. Ronno turns and begins to move towards the Swarrell lines when a shower of bricks and stones is hurled from among the Halden youths. One missile catches Ronno. He drops the jacket and reels. King, Ken and Stan rush forward to help him. More stones rattle around them. With a roar of rage the Swarrell gangs hurl themselves on the Halden youths, who break in disarray and retreat back towards the Alebeck, then through the arches of the road bridge and off towards the caravan site, factories and streets of south Swarrell.

ACT I, SCENE 11

   Most of the Halden youths flee from the Swarrell mob, heading under the bridge for the mean streets of south Swarrell. Only the Furies are not taken by surprise. They rush forward to capture Ronno, but are met by Ken, Stan and other. Stan is running berserk. He hurls himself at one of the Furies with a howl of rage and sends him crashing to the ground. The other Furies quail and retreat. Stan rips off his captive’s studded jacket and the Fury flees. King and Ronno are also brandishing scarves taken in the skirmish. Stan waves his trophy in triumph, then hurls himself at another Fury hovering nearby. The Fury flees, howling for mercy, with Stan hot on his heels. They pass close by the Wild Bulls.

Tommo [to the fleeing Fury]: Fight back! Yellow coward! - [To the Wild Bulls] - Get him!

   Wank hurls a rock at Stan and hits him. Stan falls.

Wank: Get him!

   Wank grabs a passing Fury and urges him towards Stan. Nearby Furies cheer and converge on Stan, only to be repulsed by a Swarrell charge led by Ken. Ken helps Stan up.

Ken: Orrigh?

Stan: Grrrrrghh! Lemme gettattem!

   The Furies have regrouped. Stan hurtles out of the Swarrell, gang straight into their midst. They scatter, but he grabs one. Ken and others come to his aid. The youth is knocked about and stripped of his jacket. Wank begins hurling stones at Ken’s group.

Wank: Throw stones, ya berks!

   The Furies give up and flee. Stan picks up a huge chunk of rubble and advances on Wank, holding it over his head. Wank backs away in horror, then suddenly turns and flees. Stan hurls the rock and it hits the ground just behind Wank. Wank flees for the steps and up to the girls.

ACT I, SCENE 12

   Wank comes up onto the viaduct. He finds Tommo among the girls.

Wank: What are you doing up here?

Tommo: What are you?

Wank: Well …

Tommo: Well … We may as well go home. All our lads have scarpered.

   Norah comes over.

Norah: Wassamarrer? Yella?

Tommo: ’S’all over.

Norah: What?! You could still win.

Tommo: All our lads have run away.

Norah: Yella.

   Norah turns away in disgust and crosses the street followed by her girls. They look over the parapet.

Rita: They’re not chasing ’em.

Norah: Go and encourage ’em!

   Rita goes down the steps. Norah turns away. Johnny Cowan and his gang come along the street.

Norah: Are you running away an’all?

Johnny: Naw. We’re gonna tek ’em from the rear.

Norah: Raaay!

   The Cowan gang clatter down the steps.

Norah [to Tommo]: What ’bout you?

   Tommo shrugs.

Norah: Yella! He’s still at school!

Wank: Come on!

   Wank and Tommo follow the Cowan gang. Norah rushes to the south side of the road and watches them emerge from under the bridge. At the sound of their cheers and war-cries Stan’s gang turn and hurl stones and broken bricks. The Halden lads retreat under the bridge again, then reappear at the top of the steps.

Norah: Come on! All of you!

   She leads both the boys and the girls along the road into Swarrell. The Cowan gang follow eagerly. Norah grabs one of Tommo’s arms and Johnny the other. Tommo is forced to go with them and Wank is swept along too.

ACT I, SCENE 13

   The main viaduct road into Swarrell.

Norah: We’ll go round through the caravans and meet ’em again!

   As they go they pick up straggling Halden youths on their way home. As their numbers grow their progress becomes a triumphal march and Tommo finds he is its leader. More youths join them and they begin to chant, and the chanting gets louder.

All: Hal-den! Hal-den!
        Swarrell wankers! Swarrell wankers!

   Along the street doors and windows are closed and curtains are drawn. Effie appears. She sees Tommo and runs towards him.

Effie: Tommo! What’s going on?

Norah: We’re gonna knock the shit out of Swarrell.

Tommo: Yeah!

Effie: But, Tommo, Blessed are the peacemakers.

Norah: Piss off!

   Effie is thrust aside and the procession continues.

Norah: When we meet ’em you should challenge any of ’em to single combat. They won’t dare take you on – not with this lot behind you. You’re gonna be King of the two towns, Tommo!

Tommo: Yeah! King o’ the two towns!

ACT I, SCENE 14

   The triumphant Halden procession meets the straggling Swarrell lads, who thought the Halden lads had all gone. The Halden lads spread out across the road, singing and chanting.

Halden: Halden! Halden! Halden!

   The Swarrell lads come up quickly and form an opposing line, glaring sullenly a few yards away while reinforcements arrive and fill in behind.

Norah [to Tommo]: King o’ the two towns.

   Norah pushes Tommo forward. While he prances the girls fade quietly away to the sidelines.

Tommo: WILD BULLS! I’m the greatest! I’ll fight anybody! There’s none of you can stand up to me! You’re a load of useless wankers!

King [to Ronno]: They all like that in Halden?

Ronno: I’ll fight him! I’ll have his colours, just like the other one.

King: No. You’re wounded. Ignore him.

Jake: Ignore him?! If only I was a young man! If only my Sid was here! If any of the Japs or the Jerries had said that to us I’d have been out there like a shot. I wanted nothing better than to have a crack at Rommel, just him and me on the burning desert sand.

Tommo: Come on then, Grandad! I’ll have your long-johns for a banner!

Halden: Raaay!

   Jake ducks back. Several Swarrell youths thrust forward. King indicates Ken.

Ken: I’ll take you on!

Tommo: Eh?

   Ken and Tommo advance and circle each other. Suddenly police sirens are heard.

King: Scatter!!

   They scatter.

- End of Act I -

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