Scouse
Tommo
Nails
Janice
Hotrod
Alan
Des
Julie
Norma
Mouse
John
Anne
Tony
Claire
Marlene
Waitress
Boys
and girls of the YPF
The
Halden gang
* * *
Hermione:
Où suis-je? Qu’ai-je fait? Que
dois-je faire encore?
(Where am I? What’ve I done? What have I
still to do?)
-- Racine: Andromaque
* * *
= = ACT I
= =
ACT I, SCENE 1
A
street in Halden. Tommo and Scouse.
Scouse: Hey, Tommo,
did you hear them Swarrell
lads?
Tommo: Yeah, I
heard ’em.
Scouse: Whistling
“John
Brown’s body.”
Tommo:
“Nails Palmer’s
trousers” you mean.
Scouse:
Summat’ll have to be
done. A can’t
understand why Nails doesn’t … Hey, Tommo,
what’s up
wid ’im? Is it true he’s scared?
Tommo: Course
he’s scared.
He’s not been out
wi’ the gang once since he got stripped. He spends
all his
time wi’ that Janice Greenwood.
Scouse: Her that
works in the library?
Tommo:
That’s right.
He’s always with
’er. Follows her round like a little dog.
Even goes
to church wid ’er.
Scouse: Mebbe
he’s in love.
Tommo: In love my
arse! How often do
you see any of the
lads in the gang going on like that? If
you fancy a
girl you tell her so, and you either get it or you
don’t.
And what about Marlene? What does he need to go mooning round
a
tight-arsed bint like Janice Greenwood for, when he’s got
Marlene? He’s gone soft. That’s
what I keep
telling ’em all: Nails has gone soft. He
should be
expelled from the gang.
Scouse: Some of the lads
think it was your fault for
coming out too early.
Tommo:
Don’t be daft.
They’re just taken in by
his big talk: all this stuff about strategy and tactics and
that.
They should have known summat would go wrong. And then, fancy
getting himself caught by bloody Sid Thatcher!
Scouse:
Who’s he?
Tommo: The Queen of
Swarrell. You know
him. We saw him poncing around the cathedral with his
boyfriend.
Scouse: Him?!
Tommo:
Yeah. So you see why
they’re all
laughing. And Nails does nowt. If you ask him he
just goes
on about turning the other cheek.
Scouse: Hey, I
wouldn’t turn your
other cheek to Sid Thatcher – not if you’ve got no
trousers on!
Tommo: Listen,
Scouse. We’re
gonna have to get rid of him. I’ve got summat to
tell you.
Scouse: Shuddup a
minute.
He’s here.
Enter
Nails.
Tommo: Hey,
Nails! Here a minute!
Nails: What
d’ya want, Tommo?
Tommo:
Listen! When are we gonna get
our revenge?
Nails:
I’ve told you, Tommo.
I’ve put all that behind me. I’ve seen
the light.
Tommo: What bloody
light?
Nails: The light of
Jesus Christ our Saviour.
Tommo: But
…
Nails: Love your
enemies.
Scouse: An eye for
an eye and a tooth for a
tooth.
Nails: Under the old
covenant,
Scouse. But we
are living
under the new
covenant: love your neighbour as yourself, and if any man
wrong you repay him with kindness.
Tommo: And if any
man strip you?
Nails: If any man
asks for your cloak give him
your jacket an’ all.
Tommo: But they had
your pants
off!
Nails: Better I
should lose my pants
than my soul.
Scouse: But what do
you think it’s
like for us? Aw,
come on, man. They’re still laughing over it down
in
Swarrell. We can’t go by without them jeering at
us.
They come up here just to laugh at us.
Tommo
whistles a few bars of “John
Brown’s body.” A spasm of anger crosses
Nails’s
face, but he recovers quickly.
Nails: When I was a
child I saw through a glass
darkly, but now I am a man I put off childish things.
Tommo: Like
trousers.
Nails: Vanity,
Tommo. Vanity.
Tommo: I
wouldn’t let anybody steal my
trousers without
a fight.
Nails: Then learn
from my example, Tommo, and
change your way of
life before it’s too late. You should be thinking
of
settling down anyway.
Tommo: Eh?
Scouse:
Marlene’ll not want to know
you if you let them Swarrell lads get away with it.
Nails:
A’d rather not talk about
Marlene.
Tommo:
He’s found a new bird.
Nails: A should be
grateful to them Swarrell
lads. If it
hadn’t been for them A’d ’ave been out
wi’ you
lot in Sunday, an’ A wouldn’t’ve met
Janice.
Tommo: Are you
getting’ it off
’er?
Nails[suddenly
angry and dominant]:
A’m warning you,
Tommo! You say one more word about Janice, just one word,
an’ A’ll smash you! Right?
Tommo:
Yeah. Yeah. Sorry,
Nails.
Nails: Yeah, well,
just you remember.
Not one word.
You’re not worthy to do up her shoes for her. One
word,
that’s all. One word!
Scouse:
It’s the Swarrell lot you
should smash.
Nails:
A’ve told you.
A’m not goin’ in
for street-fightin’ an’ that.
A’ve joined the
Church. I’ve been converted. And
I’m not doing
anything that she wouldn’t like – so you can keep
yer
soddin’ noses out o’ my business. Right?
Tommo:
Yeah. All right,
Nails. All right.
Nails: Right then.
Exit
Nails in righteous anger. Pause.
Tommo: A told ya:
he’s shit-scared.
Scouse: Oh yeah?
Tommo: Course he
is. Come on!
Scouse: Where?
Tommo: Find Marlene.
Scouse: What for?
Tommo: Tell her
about Nails. Tell her
he won’t fight. Tell her he’s got a new
bird.
Scouse: You must be
bloody mad.
She’ll half kill you.
Tommo: Scared of a
tart?
Scouse:
Don’t be daft – but
you know what she’s
like. She nearly goes off her head of anyone starts whistling
that song.
Tommo
whistles a few bars of “John Brown’s
body”.
Tommo: Listen,
Scouse. I fancy
Marlene. She’s
the best-looking, sexiest bint in Halden, an’ if I can get
her
away from Nails Palmer, A will.
Scouse: Thinking of
settling down, are
you? Getting married?
Tommo[feinting
at Scouse’s crotch]:
A’ll
ruin your
prospects.
Scouse [dodging]:
Gerroff!
Tommo: Come on then.
Exit
Tommo, whistling “John Brown’s
body”. Scouse follows and joins in.
ACT I, SCENE 2
Outside
Halden Public Library. Nails is waiting. Janice
comes out of the building.
Janice:
Michael!
Janice
hurries over to Nails and gives him a quick,
bright peck on the cheek. Nails makes an involuntary movement
with his arms, but checks the impulse to hug her as being not
respectful.
Janice:
I wasn’t expecting you.
Nails:
A was passing, so A thought A’d wait an’ walk home
with you.
Janice:
You are
sweet.
She
hooks onto his arm and they walk along the street.
Janice:
Are you coming to the dance tonight.
Nails:
What dance?
Janice:
At the Young People’s Fellowship. It would be
so nice if you came. I’d like you to take me.
Nails
darts a swift, sideways, lubricious grin at
her, but, seeing she is not making a pun, quickly wipes it off.
Nails:
A’d like to, but …
Janice:
… but …?
Nails:
Well … I don’t know that your Young
People’s Fellowship is really my sort of scene.
Janice:
You’d enjoy it.
Nails:
Yeah … but … we don’t really get along
wi’ them religious boys an’ girls, me an’
the gang.
Janice:
Oh, Michael, you’re a religious boy yourself now,
aren’t you?
Nails:
Well, yes … A suppose so.
Janice:
You’re one of us.
–
[She
squeezes his arm].
Nails:
A suppose A am, pet.
He
attempts to nuzzle her ear. She obstructs him by patting her
hair straight.
Janice:
You’d enjoy it, I know, Michael. You’ve
never really known the joy of fellowship, have you?
Nails:
There was the gang …
Janice:
I mean true fellowship in Jesus Christ.
Nails:
A still get embarrassed when A say “Jesus Christ.”
Janice:
It shows you love Him but don’t know him very well
yet. Come to the dance.
Nails:
Yes, all right – and A’ll dance with you all
evening.
Janice:
Hey, hey, you’ll want to dance with some of the other girls
when you see them.
Nails:
A bet A won’t.
He
nuzzles at her ear. She pats her hair to obstruct him.
Janice:
We’re so glad you’ve become a Christian,
Michael. Mr Mouse was saying only yesterday what a great
influence for good you could be.
Nails:
A still can’t believe that’s his real name.
Janice:
You are
funny. – [She
gives his cheek a quick peck].
Nails:
A thought it was a nickname.
Janice:
Like you’re called Nails?
Nails:
Yeah. Cos he’s just like a scared little
Mouse, even when he’s putting on his What-ho, you chaps?
act.
Janice:
Oh Michael, you are
funny. You’ve only seen
him once, and you’ve never actually spoken to him.
He
isn’t scared, you know. It’s just that
he’s
meek and humble.
Nails:
And the meek shall inherit the earth?
Janice:
I don’t think you like Victor Mouse.
Nails:
Like you said: A don’t really know ’im.
Janice:
He’s nice.
They
walk on in silence. Hotrod and another youth come towards
them from the opposite direction.
Hotrod:
’Lo, Nails.
The
other youth nods.
Nails:
Lads.
The
youths pass on. A few yards beyond Nails
Hotrod begins to whistle “John Brown’s
body”.
The other youth joins in. Nails stiffens and stops, anger
blazing
in his eyes as he checks his impulse to turn and attack the youths.
Janice:
You get angry every time you here anybody whistling that tune.
Nails:
It’s nothing. Don’t worry.
Janice:
But I do
worry. It’s not like you, darling.
Nails:
It’s just something from the old
days.
Janice:
Oh, Michael.
Nails:
There’s no need for you to worry. It’s
just something that happened. I get angry when they whistle
that,
but I won’t let it get the better of me.
Janice:
You can do so much for the Lord if only you can master your passions,
Michael. I know you can.
Nails:
Perhaps.
Janice:
You can bring so many to the Saviour.
Nails:
I’m not a saint.
Janice:
You could
be. You are.
You’re one with the communion
of saints.
Nails:
Janice, I’ll try to do what I can for the
Lord. He knows it’s not much, but what I can
do I will
try. But I must
have some help. A can’t
do it alone.
Janice:
We’ll all
pray for you, Michael.
Nails:
I love
you, Janice.
Janice:
I … er …we all
love one another, Michael. That’s what being a
Christian is all about.
Nails:
Janice, you know how I want you.
Janice:
Give me time, Michael. Give me time. I
don’t know yet what my heart is saying to me.
ACT
I, SCENE 3
The
Young People’s Fellowship dance. A
large bare room. Youths and girls dancing to the sound of a
record-player. Some girls dancing together. Other
girls and
rather more youths are watching from the sides. At the end of
the
room furthest from the door the Curate, Victor Mouse, is talking to
John and Anne and two other couples. The whole gathering
glows
with perspiration and youthful vitality.
Enter Janice and Nails. They pause just inside the
door.
Nails:
A don’t know anyone here.
Janice:
You soon will. Come on! I’ll introduce
you.
Janice
looks around. The wallflowers have
moved away from the door and are watching her and Nails. Alan
& Des are talking.
Alan:
Nails Palmer!
Des:
What’s he doing here?
Alan:
I hope there’s not going to be any trouble.
Des:
He’s by himself.
Alan:
Are you sure? He could have his gang outside.
Janice
takes Nails onto the dance-floor. As
they dance he is acutely aware that he is being regarded with
considerable speculation by everyone in the room. Although
the
dance-floor is crowded, space opens up around Janice and
Nails.
Several couples leave the floor and join groups around the walls.
A group of girls, including Julie and Norma are talking
together.
Julie:
Just look
at her! Showing off her latest acquisition!
Norma:
I thought she was after Victor Mouse.
Julie:So
she
is. It’s all just to impress
him.
Norma:
I don’t see how.
Julie:
It’s obvious, isn’t it? If she
brings
Nails Palmer to Christ, a lot of his gang’ll
follow.
She’ll be the great white missionary heroine. You
know what
Mousey’s like about converting people.
Julie
and Norma look over with venom at Janice who is still dancing with
Nails on the almost empty floor. Nails
is unhappy, but
Janice enjoys being the centre of interest.
Janice:
Happy, darling?
She
gives him a quick peck. He does not reply either by word or
action.
Mouse’s group look around the floor.
Mouse rapidly indicates Nails and Janice and then the sides of the
room. Two couples separate from his group and each moves down
one
side of the room, one couple pretending to dance but the other
obviously splitting up and walking around to do Mouse’s
bidding,
which is to get the dancer’s back onto the floor to avoid
embarrassment to Nails.
Nails notices these manœuvres and is even more
embarrassed.
Nails:
Can’t we go somewhere else?
Janice:
Don’t be silly, pet.
Nails:
Everybody’s staring.
Janice:
Of course they’re not. You’re just
imagining things. Come on! When this
record’s
finished we’ll go and talk to Mr Mouse.
They
dance on, Janice triumphant and happy, Nails
awkward, self-conscious and miserable. The music ends and
Janice
leads the unhappy Nails to join Mouse’s group.
Janice:
Victor, this is Michael Palmer. Michael, Mr Mouse.
Mouse:
Hallo, Michael. I’ve been hearing quite a lot about
you from Janice.
Nails:
Um … she’s told me quite a lot about you too, Sir.
Mouse:
Oh, no, no, no! Don’t call me Sir!
Makes
me feel a hundred years old. Everybody here calls me
Victor. [He
looks around]:
Don’t they?
There
is a murmur of unconvincing assent.
Mouse:
Well, how are you enjoying our little dance?
Nails:
Oh, er … yes, er …thank you, yes.
Mouse:
We’re always happy to have new blood. I hope
you’re going to come along to our regular YPF meetings.
Nails:
Er … yes, Si… um … yes. [Aside to Janice]:
What’s YPF?
Janice[without
lowering her
voice]: Oh,
Michael, you are
forgetful. Young People’s Fellowship. He
didn’t
know what YPF stands for.
The
group laugh. Nails is embarrassed.
Mouse:
No need to be embarrassed, Michael. How could
you know?
Nails:
No.
Mouse:
I hope you’ll bring some of your friends along when
you get to know us. You’ll find there’s
nothing quite
so satisfying as winning new souls for the Lord.
Isn’t that
right, Janice?
Janice:
Yes, Victor. You really feel that you’re about your
Master’s business.
The
music starts again. Janice, who has turned
to Mouse to answer him, looks as if she expects him to ask her to dance.
Mouse [trying
to draw
Janice’s attention to Nails with his eyes as he speaks]:
What about a dance, Janice?
Janice[eagerly]:
Ooh, yes please, Victor!
Janice
sweeps Mouse away. Nails is left with
the three couples. There is an awkward silence. One
of the
boys takes his girl’s hand and gives it a slight tug, then
they
move out into the dance. The others stay with Nails, who
stands
looking after Mouse and Janice.
John:
Um … were you a member of any other church?
Nails:
No.
John:
Oh.
Silence.
Anne:
Er … Janice is a nice girl.
Nails:
Yes.
Anne:
How did you meet her?
Nails:
At a café.
Anne:
Oh.
Silence.
John:
Do you play football?
Nails:
No.
John:
Oh. Er … neither do I.
Silence.
Nails:
I used to support Halden United.
John:
Oh. I’ve only seen them once.
Nails:
Oh.
Silence.
The other couple move off onto the
floor. John nudges Anne and indicates Nails. She
does not
respond.
John:
Not dancing, Michael.
Nails:
No.
Silence.
John and Anne look at each other.
John[to
Nails]:
Um … excuse us, would you?
John
takes Anne out among the dancers. Nails
stays where he is watching the dancing couples enjoying
themselves. As they whirl past him he hears snatches of
conversation.
Anne:
… didn’t want me to dance with him?
Girl:
… doesn’t look very happy …
Boy:
… where she found him, that’s …
Janice:
… say the funniest things, Victor. Where do
…
Boy:
… don’t think he’ll stay, do …
Girl:
… fighting like hooligans …
Boy:
… on, just one kiss …
Boy:
… Palmer …
Girl:
… convert him she can convert any …
Nails
turns away from the dancers to the side of the
room where some girls are talking, including Julie and Norma.
Julie:
You see? She’s left him now. Gone off
with Mr Mouse to boast of her triumph. If she really cared
about
him she wouldn’t just leave him standing there.
Norma:
Somebody should go and talk to him. He’ll go back
to his gang if nobody talks to him.
Julie:
Why don’t you,
then?
Norma:
Er … no. I’ve got to go and look for
Robin. See ya.
Julie
looks hard at Nails. He averts his eyes
and looks over to where Des and Alan are talking. He can only
hear odd words of what they say.
They
draw their heads close together then dart
another quick glance at Nails, see that he is looking at them, and melt
uneasily into the crowd. Nails looks back at the
dancers.
Suddenly Julie appears beside him.
Julie:
Hallo.
Nails
is startled.
Julie:
Did I make you jump? I’m sorry.
It’s a bad habit I’ve got of creeping up on
people.
I’m Julie Bates.
Nails:
Michael Palmer.
Julie:
I know: the famous Nails Palmer. We were green
when we heard
Janice had picked you up.
Nails:
Oh?
Julie:
Yes. Another magnificent trophy to add to her
list. She’s over there now with Mr Mouse.
Don’t
they make a lovely couple?
Nails[bitterly]:
Yes.
Julie:
They’re always together. She does so many good
works just to impress him – you know: converting the heathen
and
that. Well, you know what he’s like about
evangelism.
He thinks it’s our highest Christian mission.
Oh!
– [As
if disappointed]:
They’ve gone through
into the back office. Never mind. Would you like to
dance? I hope you don’t mind me asking you, but I
thought
you might be shy since you’re a stranger here, so to
speak.
Not that I expect you’ll be a stranger for long.
Nails
looks towards the office door, but Janice does not reappear].
Julie:
Come on! The record’s nearly over.
Nails:
No. A don’t want to dance. A’ve
got to be going. See ya!
Nails
hurries away, leaving Julie
open-mouthed. Des, Tony and Alan move out of his way in some
alarm, but he ignores them and pushes his way through the dancers
towards the door. Some turn to protest at being shoved aside,
but
move out of his way as soon as they recognise him. Nails
escapes
from the hall.
